look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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