How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
