We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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