Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
