I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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