I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
