I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Did we literally take a cab across the street
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
