Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
