Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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