I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
