You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
