I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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