So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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