How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
is that a dick in a sweater?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
