Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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