my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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