How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
