I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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