I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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