It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
