Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
