My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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