your parents love me but you hate me
just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
