who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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