Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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