It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
