I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
