and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
