The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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