apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
