note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
