The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
