There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
