the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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