No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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