there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Randomize
