the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Rumble strips road head = magical
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
