and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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