I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
