I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
time to smoke my breakfast
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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