I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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