I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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