This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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