Soap is not a condiment
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
