I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
