i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
