Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
