I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
