MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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