I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
