This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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