So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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