This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
