your parents love me but you hate me
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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