census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
