its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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