Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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