I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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